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Good morning, Path To Warren. It is July 29 on a Wednesday morning, and this is episode 22. Thanks for joining. I wanted to recap what we shared on the previous episode, and I realized that this whole keeping secrets is something that I didn’t just start doing when I was 35, 36 years old. The whole idea and the whole, you know, it’s a good idea to keep a secret came from it was a survival technique of growing up. This idea that I have to not be called out by my older brother or not walk on eggshells and say the wrong thing, I’ll just keep it to myself. It started this trend of keeping secrets that ultimately led to bigger and bigger and bigger secrets that I could keep and get away with. So I’m still working through all that, but I thought I would just recap for a second from the previous episode. I’m doing a lot of studying today on this idea of validation and approval addiction and what that means. And in about 10 seconds, I found online several good blogs that describe what does it mean to be addicted to validation. And part of what really resonated with me was when it said that, do you describe yourself as a people pleaser? Hello. It says you’re more interested in how many friends you have on Facebook versus how many you have in real life. Yeah, that was pretty important. Back when I was on social media, especially in my early days of Facebook, it was like anybody that I spoke to for a half a second, I’d get their name, look them up on Facebook and friend them really quick. Once Facebook got to be where it was less popular and not, it got away from being the thing to be on. I found myself doing that same thing with LinkedIn. If I meet somebody at a conference and within a split second, I would be sending him an invite. Now, I do that today with customers and I think it’s okay. But this whole thing about I’ll be validated if I have a lot of connections, validated to who. So let’s keep going. You’ll do anything your boss or romantic partner asks of you, even if it is unreasonable and puts you under excessive pressure. You have trouble saying no to people. You measure your success based on other evaluations of you. You take on extra obligations at others request, only to resent them later. Wow, that’s a big one. So I think this was the start of me being an overachiever. I clearly would in anything that I did or any sport that I was a part of. I over did it. I over achieved it. I didn’t just swim on the swim team. I was first in the state and I had to be first in the state and the swim team. I didn’t just swim on the swim team. I was team captain my sophomore year of high school, my junior year and my senior year, I was team captain. In Boy Scouts. I wasn’t just a Boy Scout. I had to overachieve in Boy Scouts. I was the senior patrol leader from a very young age through getting out of Boy Scouts. I was the senior patrol leader. That’s the guy that’s over all of the Boy Scouts in his troop. But I would take on extra obligations at others request, only to resent them later. Very interesting. You pursued your own dreams because someone else told you you haven’t pursued your own dreams because someone else told you not to do so. You aren’t sure what you want for yourself. That’s me. Much of your free time is occupied with fulfilling others needs versus your own. Your guilt is overwhelming when you do something that someone doesn’t approve of. So that goes back to the people pleasing. You know, if I constantly stay in the mindset of pleasing others, then I never get this guilt that’s overwhelming when I do something that someone doesn’t approve of. So I really think I’m on to something here because the two key people that I was constantly trying to get validation and approval from were people that I never was really going to get it from. My brother being the main one. My older brother is five years older and my dad, it’s like this constant approval. I had to overachieve or over explain something in order to get them to say, hey, good job, I’m proud of you. But if that never came, if that approval of, hey, you did a good job. I’m so proud of you. If it didn’t come, I would just keep going. I would just keep talking and keep explaining and keep getting the attention in order to try to get it. And if it still didn’t come, then that’s when the resentment comes. It’s like, man, he doesn’t see he’s not proud of me, that I did all this stuff. Almost sometimes create stuff in order to tell himself that he would say, oh, you did a good job. I would overproduce, overanalyze, overdo something in order to stand out from my siblings in order to get that validation. So it says, honestly, ask yourself the following questions to see if you are an approval addict. Do you change your behavior or viewpoint to get approval from whoever you are with? Do you do things you don’t want to do to please others? Do you show off or feel compelled to tell your attention getting stories? Do you talk more than you listen? I’ve been guilty of that. Do you ask those around you? Do I look okay? Oh, my gosh. I cannot tell you how conscious I am of how I look. What am I wearing? How’s my hair, bumps on my face? All this kind of stuff is just more than the average. You know, whatever average is in this category, I believe that I am more aware of what I’m wearing, what I’m doing. Do I look okay? How am I looking? What position am I in? Is this my good side of the photo? Is this my bad side? Which side are we taking in the picture? What am I wearing all of this. Do you apologize constantly if you’re not careful and you try to count how many times you say, oh, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. There’s a person I work with that I drove all the way to Tennessee with her and we actually laughed and ended up laughing about how many times she said, I’m sorry. Let me get in this Lane. I’m sorry. Let me get out of the way. I’m sorry. Everything was. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. So do you apologize constantly? You might be an approval addict. Do you post things on social media that show off what’s right in your life? Yeah, that’s why I had to get off of it. Do you post things on social media about what’s wrong in your life in order to hoping for some sympathy, love? Yeah, my granddad died. Let me post about it. I see it in others, too. All the time. I’m struggling with this. I’m struggling with that. We’re posting it on there to get sympathy love. Explain your behavior to people so that they won’t judge you. Well, this is like justification 101. All the time have to feel like I have to explain myself so that they won’t judge me. Well, they’re going to judge me, but I have to still explain myself and does it get me anywhere? Gossip or talk about others to make you look good. Like being the center of attention and use whatever you can to be that. So whatever I can use whatever stories I can use to tell to be the center of attention, I’m going to do it. Get bothered or angry if people don’t listen to you or pay attention to you. Well, I was always good at getting attention. Stressed too much about comments or feedback from others. So I’m still learning about this whole validation and approval addiction. I know some people, when they hear that, are going to say, oh, you’re always looking for another addiction. It’s just another addiction. And I’m not looking for another addiction. It’s just I’m trying to get to the root. I’m trying to get to the causes and conditions that they say that made me besides The fact that I’m an alcoholic and an addict. What were the things that happened early on in my life? The events, the trauma, what were the things that really caused me to have these resentments and to think this way? I know that they are a clear result of early childhood trauma. So I’m excited about where this is going to take me. I really am. I think that I’m discovering so much already. I don’t know where it’ll take me. I really don’t. This morning when I was listening to this childhood healing, it was called Inner Childhood Meditation. I found a website that had the top Ten Meditations for Inner Child meditation. And it said, Close your eyes. And about halfway through the 15 minutes meditation, it said, Go back to the place in childhood where you felt safe to go back and meet that inner child. And what’s interesting is the place that took me when I felt safe as a child. The first place that my inner child took me was when I used to enjoy playing by myself as a young boy in the Creek. I lived in a neighborhood, and at the back of the neighborhood was a pond that I used to like to go fishing in. But there was also this Creek that led into the pond, and my happy place was to go and play in the Creek. I would move the rocks and assemble all these big rocks around in the Creek so that I would form a waterfall. And above the waterfall there was this neat little pond that would form when I dammed up the water and I got to where I learned to put in the little pond the fish that I caught. So sometimes I would catch a really big fish like a brim, and I would put the brim and the bass inside of the little pond. And it was so much fun. The fish would swim upstream. And I remember actually going in there and being able to catch the fish with my hands at some point. It’s just super fun. But what I think I realized is when they asked me to find out what I liked and where did I feel safe? I don’t know what it’s telling me right this second, but why was I safe by myself? Why do I feel like my safe spot was escaping my siblings and my parents and being by myself? Luckily, I think I had a dog who loved me unconditionally, and that dog would go with me to the pond and play with me in the woods there by the Creek. This whole escapism and running away from things I think I was running away from I really think I was running away from the steamroller and having to walk on eggshells. I could be myself and have fun by myself in the Creek. I don’t know. I’m still processing all that, but it definitely was something that it wanted me to look at. And there was also this moment where it wants me to talk about sports and think about sports. As a young kid, I tried T ball. I tried T ball as a young boy. And I think it was one of those where I realized I didn’t fit in and I wasn’t going to be a leader. So I dropped it. I dropped it real quick. I didn’t even make it the whole season. I don’t think I did soccer and I dropped that. I also did wrestling. I thought I could be a wrestler. I dropped that. And it’s not about the part that I dropped it it’s just the ones that I stayed with. I wasn’t just another Bozo on the bus, as they say. I wasn’t just another person in the group. It’s like I never fit. In order for me to be involved in it, I had to realize I could be the leader. Swimming, Boy Scouts, trumpet. I tried to be first chair, but with soccer and Tball and wrestling, I didn’t really fit in number one. And number two, I realized I couldn’t be a leader or couldn’t stand out from the group. So I dropped it. Again, Still working through all this, but I feel it’s important to share. Maybe one day it’ll help somebody. Was it that I was seeking approval, or was it that my older brother was big in baseball and was the pitcher and that was where he was getting all the validation. And I knew that in order for me to get validation, I had to switch sports and drop out of T ball and get into I had to find my own way. I had to find something where I could excel and exceed. And that’s when I went on this never ending Hunt of I’m going to try soccer, I’m going to try wrestling. I’m going to try swimming oh swimming. I could get into this. It’s a solo sport. It’s a non contact sport. You know, I tried to flag football with kids in my neighborhood, and I just didn’t fit in with that. I didn’t like all the contact. I didn’t like all the wrestling on the ground. I’m going to work through this. And there are things that I can put in my toolbox that I’m learning, just like with knowing that I’m wanting to stop drinking alcohol, knowing that I want to stop debting, going into debt, or overspending. There are things that I can learn and put into my toolbox that are bottom line and top line behaviors as I’m learning through other programs that I can do to change and not be forever an approval and a validation addict. So I’m very excited about it. I don’t want to tell anybody about it, really, because I feel like it’s embarrassing to say I’m a validation addict. It was also embarrassing for me to say I was an alcoholic two years ago when I decided to stop drinking. I didn’t want to tell anybody. I was very ashamed of it. Today, I think because of all the things that I’ve changed in my life and all the things I’ve turned around, I’ve noticed that they all start that way. I didn’t want to first start out telling anybody I was severely in debt, about to go bankrupt, actually debating should I go bankrupt or not. But today I think it’s just a part of my story that I can discuss with people about how I surrendered that and got help with it and put some things in my toolbox to overcome that compulsion, overcome the craving to feel the need to fill the hole in my heart by spending or putting drugs or alcohol I can change that today because I got these things in my toolbox that if I continue to practice these principles and these steps and these top line behaviors every day then I won’t go back to doing those things that I was doing that I don’t want to do anymore I’m so done with having to have approval from my brother and my dad and anybody else my old high school friends I am done I no longer need those things. Speaking of high school friends I realized this morning after speaking with my accountability partner I realized this morning that my high school friends the only way I really fit into that circle was because I was their boss I hired every one of my circle of friends I hired every one of them so no wonder when they wanted to go have a good time or have a party or get together, they invited me no wonder they invited me because I was the one that brought the money I was the one that paid them so that they can have the party and that’s not an ego thing it’s just another way of realizing that in order to get validation and approval I think I became their boss by becoming their boss though they’ll approve of me I got to have something going on if I can be their boss to be the one that pays the paycheck so I thank you so much for listening I love you guys I really hope you have a wonderful day and please make your contribution if this video or this podcast was something that you feel like somebody would benefit from please hit subscribe and share there’s podcast with anybody that you think would benefit. Again, Make a contribution! Have a wonderful day. Thank you. Bye.