Yesterday, while riding in the car with the president of our company, conversation too a turn towards healing and recovery. I felt like my Higher Power at one point said “go ahead, its ok to share Matt.” And I did. There is a person in her life that is also healing and recoverying so there was an immediate bond.
It was super vulnerable to share with her that I had one thousand forty something days of sobriety from drugs and alcohol. She said “oh wow, congratulations.” I shared about my struggle with Adderall, weed, alcohol, then to spending, debting, sugar and food. I skipped over the P&M section and love… but did make a point to discuss codependecy and people pleasing. It actually turns out that yesterday was day 1050 and at $20 that makes $21,000 in savings. Pretty cool stuff.
I have worked for her and the company for just 2 months shy of 3 years and we have not had this conversation. I shared how I sure would appreciate it if she wouldn’t tell everyone. There is only one other coworker who knows that I’m in recovery from drinking and drugging because of his behavior style. I shared how I tend to clue in the person in the group who will pick on me or call me out in front of a bunch of people…and he was that guy. I didn’t want him to make a joke about me not drinking in front of clients or make me say some story, lie or get defensive. He appreciated that I told him and shared about one of his friends who was real big into recovery and how it had changed his life for the better.
I feel like I’m a little emotionally hungover today because of all the baggage that I dropped yesterday by sharing this super vulnerable part of my personal life. I told her that it wasn’t like I intentially was trying to keep a big secret from you, I just don’t think that it is appropriate to “lead with Hi, I’m an alcoholic and I don’t drink.” I told her that I wanted to show my work and let my work speak for myself and let it come out one day when it was appropriate that I am in recovery and getting help for drinking, drugging and a slew of other things.
I believe it helped her see into my heart. I felt like I shined a light on alot of struggles that I have kept under the surface. So much of what I explained, she understood because of working so close with my parents for so many years and having heard my siblings names too.
Being raised in a workaholic and codependent partnership created disfunction between my older brother, younger sister…and me. I shared how I ‘WAS’ the people pleaser, mom’s confidant, lawn guy, the guy who kept the peace, the one who make a quick joke to keep everyone calm, the one who grew up confused about how to express his feelings, how to be honest about what was going on in life. I don’t want to be in a covert incestual relationship with my mom today. I can’t keep trying to rescue my sister with her issues and my be the therapist to mom anymore. I refuse to get steamrolled by my brother and put myself in situations where I am set up for interrogation or instigation.
I am working on myself daily. I am accepting the things that I cannot change and changing the things that I can. I am alert today to not let my obsessive thinking come into my brain today, thinking that I shared too much or that I did the wrong thing by talking to her about this stuff.
We became closer and it will help me, the company and her as president to do her job better. I think that our ability to relate on this issue of recovery and healing was put here by God. It was not an accident that I was in the car yesterday with her and set up to discuss this stuff. I’m grateful for the opportunity and my ability to report positive changes in my life.
