8/19/21 Maddie, my 9 year old daughter asks me in bed, “Why doesn’t Grandmommy ever kiss me? You know, DeeDee kisses me all the time, but Grandmommy never kisses me.” That was tough to hear
I tried to defend Doris by saying it might be because of COVID 19. Maddie asked or talked about how she thought it was because Doris had to share the love between Hunter and Caroline. That is Maddie defending Doris’s behavior too.
The fact that she thinks that someone, especially her grandmother has to share love is fucked up. The fact that she thinks that there is not enough love to go around is disturbing, like Doris has to conserve the love. Oh, she has two other grand kids, she can’t kiss one. Maddie and I were both defending Doris too…that is another issue, but still important to call out.
But, I’m so glad she talked to me about it and feels open to discuss these emotions that she is feeling with me.
I need to bring it up to Doris, not to hurt Doris, but to make her aware of it to address it and so hopefully mom can correct it. It is amazing how a 9 year old can have such emotional intelligence to be able to sense that and courage to speak up.
I did explain about my mom growing up in a household with 3 or 4 kids and in a household where her parents got a divorce when she was about 5 years old. Showing love was not a high priority in her household and that might be a tough cookie to break.
From what I can tell from my recovery homework and from working the steps, my mom was not taught this behavior very well by her parents, which might explain why my siblings and I weren’t trained to say “I love you” when ending a call or being very affectionate in showing love towards each other. Very, very few hugs; no kisses. Very little love and affirmation being shown within the family.
Within the past year, I make a point of saying “I love you” 99% of the time when I am wrapping up a phone call with my mom or parents together. Sometimes, they hang up without saying I Love You back. Many times I have to repeat my I love you in order to force them to say I love you in return before I hang up the phone line.
Another crazy memory is that I distinctly remember mom’s mom, my grandmother repeatedly kissing and wanting me to come over to her as a child so she could kiss me 10 times on the cheek. My grandmother, Maw Maw showed more kisses and love to the grandchildren than I think to her children, at least growing up.
It feels good to turn this over and work hard to not repeat this issue down through another generation. Thanks for letting me share.
